286. What you need

I keep thinking back to something I said to a girl a few weeks ago. I really liked this girl. Didn’t work out. I was bummed about it. It was one night after we watched a movie. We were discussing whether to move forward with something more serious or not.

I told her, “I am a kind person. I am a thoughtful person. I am loving person. Most of all, I am a loyal person. And when those things are taken advantage of, I get pissed.” That was really nice to say. It felt like the most honest thing I’ve told someone in a very long time. I’ve wondered if that’s the thing I’ve needed more in my relationships: honesty and humility. Except there isn’t much room for that in online dating. I really haven’t seen the dating profiles of too many other guys, so I’m not sure what they put on them. From what I’ve been able to surmise, it’s a lot of shirtlessness and other shallow things like that. I’m not good at that.

I’ve tried to negotiate that delicate space between being a pushover, being polite, and being honest with myself and how I feel. I’m a people pleaser. I like seeing people happy, but boy is that exhausting. A group of three ladies were sitting near me on the plane yesterday. There were four seats per row, and I was the single seat on one row. Two of the ladies were in the other two spots next two me. One woman was behind me. One of the ladies asked if I could switch with the one behind me. I told her that, “I’d rather not.” I was tired. I just wanted to be in my seat. Granted, it probably wouldn’t have taken much, but the door also had not closed yet and I didn’t want to be greeted with a last-second seat mate. It also wasn’t that long of a flight, a little over two hours.

You know what? It felt kind of good to say no. Maybe I was a slight asshole, but I was also tired, coming back from a conference and just wanting to get back to my own bed. I also knew that I probably wouldn’t ever see those women again.

To put that back in context of a dating life. It’s ok to hold on to some things that you value and are important to you. In order to hold on to those things you have to actually figure out what those things are.  It’s no use to sell out what you value and enjoy in order to find something you ultimately need.

I don’t need to go on every date or say yes to every opportunity that comes my way. I can be honest about what I need, who I am, and where I want to go with my life. There’s no use in clawing your way through life trying to be everything to everyone. It’s so cliche and overused, but just be yourself. That’s when it gets fun.